Empty eyes…the emptiest, most
haunting eyes I’ve ever seen in the face of a child as the devastating words
fall from her lips. My worst nightmare, come to unbearable, agonizing reality,
shattering my heart into a thousand pieces. Shattered pieces, like those I hold
in my arms as she weeps. I fight back the waves of rage in order to keep my
voice a gentle croon instead of the shrieking wail I feel inside. Seeing my own
fractured self in the crumpled form of my daughter, I am sure of only one
thing: somehow, no matter what it takes, I must make her whole again. In spite
of my best efforts, I failed to protect her; it feels like it will kill me, and
if I fail to help her now, it surely will.
The kaleidoscope of ensuing events rush by
in a strange, twilight blur: how can everything look so real, so alive, when I
feel dead inside? Sitting across from a tall, bald detective in a cramped
police interview room, woodenly stating the facts of my report, I am suddenly
astonished to see the tears splash down on my hands; I don’t even feel them. Your
daughter was an excellent witness, the district attorney is saying gently. My
head turns at the sound of clanking chains, and horror washes over me at the
sight of him in black-and-white stripes, wrists and ankles shackled. He had
been a good man, the greatest, I thought. He was my hero. He was known all over
the United States and several foreign countries for his humanitarian rescue of
dozens of orphaned Vietnamese children just before Saigon fell. I had been so
proud to call him my father. Now, I can’t bear to see his face. He saved
motherless children from certain death, but he forced my child to endure a living death. No amount of altruism he has
practiced for others can erase the desolation from her eyes.
The nightmare stretches through endless
days and tortured, sleepless nights. Still dazed and staggering from the force
of this unthinkable blow, I am stunned to find myself forced to put up defenses
on a new and unexpected front: family members and longtime friends question my
motives for reporting him to the police. He’s seventy-three years old, they
say. He’s led such a good life up to now. Surely it was a mistake, and he’ll
never do it again. You say you’re a Christian, but you’re on a witch hunt against
a good Christian man. I know you are angry, but don’t choose revenge. Try
forgiveness, you’ll be happier. How can you make your old father suffer in a
jail cell? How would you like your children to do that to you? He never meant
to hurt anyone. He’s said he’s sorry. You don’t know how much he’s suffered
over what he’s done to the family. This should never be a public affair, shame
on you for dragging your own elderly father into court! Keep it in the family.
We can work it out. You can keep your children away from him, forever, if you
think you need to, but how does it help
your daughter to have him sitting in jail?
Well, thank you for asking, because helping
my daughter is the reason he’s sitting in jail. I am astonished that anybody
would need to have the reasons explained, but then I remember that my own
perspective is that of a survivor. My little girl is me, a lifetime ago, it
seems; only mine was a different abuser, and though unmasked, he was never
punished. I will do everything for her that was never done for me, anything to
salvage her mind from the torment that I learned to live with a long time ago. But
even if she were not the child of my heart and my emotions were not involved, these
friends of Job are ignoring the glaring fact that in most states, you are
required by law to report sexual abuse of a child; it is a crime (Sandford 13).
First, and most obviously, a child needs
to be immediately protected, and in more ways than simply ensuring the abuser
has no access to her. Jane Chevous, herself an abuse survivor and experienced child
advocate, sagaciously articulates the weighty truth that “there is an element
of deliberate torture in all abuse” (29). I have no better words to satisfactorily
convey the veracity of this to someone who has been fortunate enough to escape the
hideous grasp of abuse. Child molesters are accomplished liars and
manipulators, masters of mind games and control. Not only will putting him
behind bars ensure his inability to reach her physically, its very publicity is
ripping the face off his carefully crafted façade. You can keep him away from her, the
critics protest. You can do that without sending him to prison. Yes, it is
possible to forbid him access to our family.
But will that alone have the most positive effect on my girl? I know it will
not, because one thing violated children care passionately about is trying to
keep other children from suffering. The very thing that forced this hideous
darkness into the light of day for my daughter was the fear that her little
sister was in jeopardy, a fear that was justified when, within a couple of
weeks of her disclosure, my father confessed to the abuse of three other
granddaughters and one great-granddaughter. My own abuser has abused women and girls
repeatedly over the past thirty years, as well. There is absolutely no
guarantee that abusers will not reoffend. On their statistics page, the child
protection website Yello Dyno cites:
“3 in 10 child victimizers reported that they
had committed their crimes against multiple victims: they were more likely than
those who victimized adults to have had multiple victims.” - BJS Survey of State Prison Inmates, 1991
“The behavior is highly
repetitive, to the point of compulsion, rather than resulting from a lack of
judgment.”
- Dr. Ann Burges, Dr. Nicholas Groth, et al.
in a study of imprisoned offenders (“Statistics”)
Beyond these rudimentary
yet compelling grounds for the incarceration of the abuser, though, lie the
most important reasons: indubitably establishing in the mind of the survivor who
the guilty party truly is, and offering her tangible proof of the priceless
treasure I consider her to be. Family therapists
Heitritter and Vought emphasize the importance of validating the victim’s right
to be heard, believed, and to have their information acted upon in such a way
that demonstrates it is taken seriously (emphasis mine): “Research indicates
that believing the child, supporting the child’s experience, and taking some protective action decreased the
number of symptoms suffered by the child, whereas children who were not
believed or, even worse, were punished for telling suffered increased psychological
trauma” (36). I cannot express adequately how imperative it is to demonstrate by my actions how absolutely significant
I believe my child’s worth to be. My abused child does not see any worth in
herself; it is up to me to show her.
The fact that I am sitting in a police station mere hours after hearing her
story, begging for the arrest of her abuser, is undeniable proof to her that
she is of far more value to me than even my own father. The fact that her father handles all the legal details,
takes the day off work for every counseling appointment, sitting with his arm
protectively around her while we wait, assures her that all men are not like
her abuser, that her daddy is her champion. I instinctively understand this,
but don’t realize how universal the need of a survivor to have worth affirmed
actually is until I get a letter in the mail one day. It says, in part: “I am
proud of you and J----- for knowing how valuable M------ is to you and acting
accordingly. In that type of situation, a victim’s self-worth is directly
impacted by the responses of those she trusts in her care. The greatest
injustice would have been to minimize the crime and violation—you have shown
her, by example, your love and commitment” (Hart). During a conversation with another
friend, she tells me, as her eyes fill with tears, of her experience of being
molested by her uncle. She says, “It happened in 1963. I was 13 years old. I
told my mother, but nothing ever happened. He still attended every family
get-together. He was treated just the same, as if nothing had happened, but it
had. I have always wondered why I wasn’t worth more to them.” The very real
feelings of worthlessness a survivor of abuse lives with stem from false guilt,
most eloquently described by Chevous:
Shame
is the most paralyzing aspect of (sexual) abuse. The shame of the abuser is
most often carried by and in the shame of the abused. This is because it is
very rare for an abuser to own their own guilt and therefore carry the
responsibility for their actions. The shame is then internalized into the
victim and they begin to live out of that. Standing with someone and helping
them lay the blame at the right person’s door helps ease the paralysing [sic]
effects of shame (32-33).
An
article on chabad.org confirms this: “When children are molested, they are left
enormously guilt-ridden. Even though what happened to them was not their fault,
they still feel like it was” (Goetz). Along with an overwhelming host of other
sources, The Leadership Council agrees that abusers manipulate their victims
into shouldering the guilt, resulting in confusion and difficulty for the child
in “sorting out who is responsible for the abuse” (“On Child Abuse and Interpersonal
Violence”).
Finally, my support of my child, as I
demonstrate it by clearly defining the wrongdoer to be her abuser, underscores
her innocence in the best way possible. Those who wish to sweep it under the
rug in the name of family pride or sympathy for the manipulating abuser would
viciously reinforce the misconception that her own badness led these things to
happen, in and of itself even more abuse (Chevous 31). Not only will I do
whatever it takes to obliterate that insidious lie from her mind, I have cut off
contact with anyone, family or not, who would wish to so debase her. I will not
risk their ignorance and selfishness causing her further harm. John E. B. Myers,
writing for The Future of Children, quotes from J. Peters’ “Why Prosecute Child
Abuse?” South Dakota Law Review (emphasis mine): “Criminal intervention clearly establishes that the children are
innocent victims and that the perpetrators are solely responsible for their
wrongful behavior” (Myers).
So can I, as a Christian, bring the abuser
to justice for his crime without being guilty of unforgiveness or just being
out to get revenge? I am certain that I not only can, but have an obligation to
do so. I believe that Scripture shows a deep abhorrence on God’s part toward all
abuse of children (Matthew 18:6). I empathize with the abuse survivor quoted in
a news article about his abuser being sentenced to prison: "When I saw him
going away, it was like I finally felt like God was on my side,"
27-year-old Orion Brutoco, a former patient and victim, said outside court.
"It was like finally someone saw that the right thing to do was to put him
in jail" (Melvin). Ironically, the
author of a book sent to me by a family member who took me to task for my “unchristian”
actions agrees: “Can a person totally forgive and yet at the same time be the
one who reports a crime? Absolutely. Total forgiveness does not mean closing
our eyes to those who will continue to harm others” (Kendall 10). Punishing my
child’s abuser will have profound effects on her for the rest of her life: setting
her free, filling her with hope and confidence, giving her unshakable faith in
the love and devotion of her father and mother.
Works Cited
“On Child Abuse and Interpersonal Violence”. leadershipcouncil.org. The Leadership Council, Web. 9 Dec. 2014
“Statistics”. yellodyno.com. Yello Dyno Protecting Children from Child Predators, Web. 9 Dec. 2014
Chevous, Jane. From Silence to Sanctuary. London:
Society, 2004. Print.
Goetz,
Barbara. “Things You Need to Know About Child Molesters”. chabad.org. The Jewish Woman, Web. 9 Dec. 2014
Hart, Stephanie. Letter
to the author. June 2009. MS
Heitritter,
Lynn, and Jeannette Vought. Helping
Victims of Sexual Abuse. Minneapolis: Bethany, 2006. Print.
Kendall, R. T. Total Forgiveness. Lake Mary: Charisma,
2002. Print.
Melvin, Joshua. “Peninsula child psychiatrist sent to jail as his molestation victims applaud”. mercurynews.com. San Jose Mercury News MY TOWN, 8 Aug. 2013. Web. 7 Dec. 2014
Myers, John E. B. “Adjudication of Child Sexual Abuse Cases” Journal Issue: Sexual Abuse of Children Vol 4 No 2. princeton.edu. The Future of Children, Summer/Fall 1994. Web. 9 Dec. 2014
Sandford, Paula. Healing Victims of Sexual Abuse. Tulsa:
Victory, 1988. Print.
